Returning

I guess I won't be blogging here anymore. There's so much to do, so many walks to take with Daddy God... He has wasted no time and I want to keep up! So, I'll be continuing this journey in my original blog where I have been writing of things from a deeper perspective.

I started Paul's Race to keep me focused on walking with Jesus. I had thought about the thoughts in my head and realized how wayward it wants to be at any given moment. I used the blog to train my thoughts on to His thoughts, His heart and His love. And in shaping my thoughts and expanding my energy into crafting the words, it became a sort of worship unto Him. It sorts me out good. :)

Be blessed!

Does God Dance?

He sure does. And I'm so glad He does cos then that means I can stop feeling like a depraved weirdo and start believing that dance is a gift that can be used to glory Him.

I got this book from the Eagle's Nest at Bethel Church. Well, of course I had to get it...

I've only started reading it, and here were some verses that talks about God dancing. :)

This is one of my favorite verses of all time anyways.

The Lord your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing.
-Zepheniah 3:17

"Rejoice over you" is translated from the Hebrew guwl, which is to "spin around under the influence of any violent emotion, to be glad and rejoice." 

I am always in awe of how deeply God feels about us. :)

 You are my hiding-place; You will protect me from trouble and surround me with songs of deliverance
-Psalm 32:7

"Surround" in Hebrew is cabab, which is "to revolve, to circuit, to walk, to turn self or to whirl.

And this one... that makes me swoon over Jesus again...

At that time Jesus, full of joy through the Holy Spirit said, "I praise You, Father, Lord of heaven and earth, because You have hidden these things from the wise and learned, and revealed them to little children. Yes, Father, for this was your good pleasure."
- Luke 10:21

"Full of joy" from the Greek word agalliao literally means to jump for joy.

Can you imagine Jesus jumping for joy? I CAN!!! :) :) :) 

Webbed In

I’m still internalizing all that has happened over the last twenty days. It has felt like an abundant number of bite sized nuggets, each containing a potent amount of sugar and caffeine, hitting me regularly enough so that the buzz never wore out (except at Central Park!). 

I guess what I’m trying to say is that there was a common theme of favor, resource, timeliness, sturdy companionship and sharpness of mind. And this has borne fruit in the ecstasy, pervaded by unearthly peace, the confidence and security in Christ, and how highly favored and loved I’d felt.

I was pondering how I could be so charged up on little things. Well, there were MANY little things. I didn’t have a miracle healing to boast to the world from this trip, or an angelic manifestation to geek out over. But I did experience the miracle of salvation - the covenant of reconciliation. I’ve heard about long-married couples proclaiming their confidence and security from their relationship because of the little things their spouses knew about them and how they act upon such intimate information. They identify this as love and with it, a whole host of other good things.

This trip had made me feel like a daughter that was on a date with her Daddy God. I blush with His goodness but never once felt like I had earned it. Nor do I have to do anything or perform just to show my appreciation. I was just being unabashedly given till my arms were full and spilling over. This had given me such confidence, because He knew what I needed for the trip, what worried me, how I am careless with some things, how my nerves get to me sometimes, how I like some things, and so on and so forth. 

Is it the big, world changing, out of the box type miracles that gives me assurance of my relationship with Christ? Selah.

God is with us and this well-loved statement definitely has another dimension to it. 

You can't stop a river from flowing

Last night we were out celebrating my brother's 36th birthday and we had a chance to talk about what I'd learned at the DMT Intensive.

This time, I felt like my family was all ears to listened to me as my brother asked question after question wanting to learn more about dance movement therapy.

I had my chance and I think I sold it. :)

Asian Food Revenge

Dear Daddy God, thank you for bee hoon and lime leaves and lemongrass and chilli and cheap sea food and onions and straw mushrooms and bubble and tea and milk and laminated covers and fat straws and chopsticks.

Gladys Wilson & Naomi Feil

The video that I talked about on dance movement therapy and Alzheimer's? I found it. :) Full post here.

Delirium

God is in such a good mood! It REALLY made me SO happy!

Wow. What can I say about my experiences at Bethel Church.

It's a place where I did feel Kingdom realities. The tangible presence of God was so prevalent, even at Ann's house where I eventually moved to on the 3rd day of my stay in Redding. I found myself resting and charging up just being in His Presence. In some instances, I was buzzing from the encounter. I don't say this to glorify Bethel Church, but it gave me a sense of what it means to have God's Kingdom pulled down to earth. Where miracles and prophecy are mainstays, where people walk in the fullness of their callings, where God's heart is more important than church decorum, religiosity and social norms.

I could describe all that I had experienced while I was there, but you would have to know the history of my life for any of it to make sense and understand why it meant so much to me. But suffice to say, that all I had desired from my trip was fulfilled, and much more! There were little geeky things, and there were deep things, and there were things to do with my past...

My flight out of Redding to San Francisco got delayed for 12 hours. This would've meant that I would either be flying for close to 30 hours straight from Redding to San Francisco to New York then to Singapore (IF I could get the right connecting flights), or I would miss my flight back to Singapore entirely. So, I made a sudden decision to cancel my flight out to Redding and drive myself to San Francisco, which was a 4 hour drive, to make a connecting flight to New York. Now this was a brave thing I did because anything could happen on the road, and I could not afford to make mistakes because I was short on time. I panicked for a while after canceling my flight, fumbling through my insurance papers and flight schedule, but I went anyway.

Stalling in my Chevy Cruz

So here's a bit of back story. Packing to leave Redding was the hardest thing I've had to do the entire trip. And when I pulled into Redding Municipal Airport for my flight out, I sat in the car stalling for time since I was early for check in. I was reluctant to give up the car, because it would mean that I was giving up my time in Redding and checking in at the airport meant the end of my 20 day trip. I told God how reluctant I was to leave and I don't want to ever forget all He had done for me these 20 days. Mostly I just covered my face with my hands and sighed.

After learning that my flight had been delayed, I loaded up my luggage and climbed back into the same white Chevrolet Cruz I had been driving around Redding, popped in the new prophetic music CD I bought at The Eagle's Nest and laid out some food and water for easy access and pulled out of the car rental parking lot. After going through the small roads, I got on the I-5 and there rolled out before me was the Californian country. Gold fields on blue skies and great hills. At this point, God's goodness to me over this trip just went over my head. I had already been so so full from the past week I didn't think I could take in anymore. And I suddenly burst out laughing! And then I was crying from how absurdly good God had been to me! Because I had been wanting to take a road trip with Pat since 2 years ago, but we could never find the time to do it. And here is God taking me on a mini road trip, and with the Love of my life!! And then I was laughing, and then crying again!

I felt very distinctly that the first part of my trip was about what I wanted. And God was my travel companion, accompanying me through all that I wanted to do. The itinerary I had planned for myself had been so blessed. Everything going smoothly and making no loss or wrong turn (except for Central Park!) Even in the DMT intensive, dancing was about self-assertion and finding my voice. At Redding and Bethel, it was about what He wanted for me. And He packed a full itinerary for me even though all I was doing all week was going home and going to Bethel Church and going to ToGo Sandwiches for lunch. The second round of improv class with Ann and her dancers was where I found that I could dance prophetically and it was the opposite of self-assertion. It was about yielding and trusting Him and letting Him speak through dance. I have never felt so full, so satisfied than dancing in His Spirit!

So here I was, flying through the I-5, laughing and crying because I can feel God's ecstasy at how He's loving over me and how I'm taking it all in. Like He would be grinning ear to ear if I could see His face with my physical eyes.

At the close of Saturday. Memories of the drum circle.

My Ride around Redding

On the I-5.

Californian Country one last time.

These ladies are warriors.

I'm back in Singapore now. And it's taken me a while to blog this last entry because of how overwhelmed I'd been. The trip had ended, but I feel like a new thing has already started. I'm not sure how to conclude this blog or if it should be concluded at all. 

We'll see. :)

Face to Face

Have you ever felt like things are hitting you so fast you couldn't respond to it? You hate it because you weren't asked if you liked it, or if you wanted it, or what you would do about it. 

Now imagine all that was hitting you was love. The kind that is no respecter of persons. Love that is so big you know it's not about you, but its also all for you. Love that breaks you down to nothing, but also holds you together so that not a single piece is missing and you're safe.

Love that is furious, that holds ground and refuses to let go.

Love that is so gentle it hurts, because you realized you're now alive and have always been loved and freed.

The last time I felt this way was at the Kingdom Invasion Conference earlier this year. And I get a feeling it's about to hit me again.

Today I'd met up with the director of dance and flags of Bethel Church for coffee where we chatted a little. She then arranged for me to go to an improvisation class with one of her dancers where I had the utmost privilege to finally see for myself what it means to use a God given gift for His glory. The other girls have been schooled in this, and watching them I can only see beauty... fullness of perfection.

I took part of course. We started with warm ups with our eyes closed. And then we moved into free form movement, mirroring in pairs and as a group. We also used imagination - a ball that could be heavy, light, large, small, etc. to effect our improvisation. This was all good and fun especially after coming from the DMT intensive program. I had lots of practice there.

Then we came to the portion where we move with the Holy Spirit. I struggled. So I sat down with Ann (the director) and told her how I felt. Ann explained that it was normal and we all have a journey and we can't get from one point to another without the process. And sometimes it is a painful process. There will be tears and there will be laughter as the Holy Spirit takes us through it. She told me it's okay to lie down and not move. So that's what I did at the next song.

Prior to my sitting down, the directive was to ask the Holy Spirit for an answer to a pre-existing question, and to use dance as a process to get the answer. So laying down, I asked God what I should ask. What was it that needed answering? After all, I have felt mighty contented and satisfied since coming on this trip. I felt like my prayers are finally coming true and I could not be happier.

To my surprise, a surging emotion of anger towards God and dance surfaced. This is an old, old thing that I had relegated to my being childish and unlearned in the ways of faith and grace. I thought I had grown from it.

But there is one thing I've learned so far about my Daddy God, that no matter how grown up we get, how we learn to dust ourselves off and march on like trooper, He knows our deepest thoughts, hurts and worries. He would stop the marching so He could pull my shoe off just to take out that little pebble that was chaffing the tip of my little toe. What matters to me matters to Him. 

As much as I didn't and still don't like confronting this anger, I'll trust the Holy Spirit on this. Being at the improv class brought me face to face with the epitome of my dreams. For a moment, it was a bit too much to handle, and I couldn't believe I walked right into it without realizing the immensity if it.

At the end of the session, we chatted for a bit before the girls prayed for me. Listening to them speak, I can only be envious of the culture that Bethel Church has, of how freely they allow the Holy Spirit to move in them, and how normal it is to speak prophecy. I never once felt like it was all too freaky and unattainable. And I want that. Ann spoke easily about things that were affirmative, and of a vision Daddy God had used to teach me about spiritual hunger a short while back. It affirms that  heaven is not so far away at all. That heaven is right here in front of my nose.

Well, Ann has invited me to stay with her for the remainder of my days in Redding. I was inclined to decline, especially after the bout of other hosted housing. I feel like I need my own space even though the tension of traveling alone is tiring me out. But she doesn't seem to be taking no for an answer! I know, I am blessed.

Saturday, I'll be in the prayer and healing rooms at Bethel. What dancers do in there, I can only guess at this point.

This is turning out to be much much more than I expected...

New York City

Ah, the Big Apple! First night I was here, I dumped my luggage at my host house and headed straight for Times Square. I walked around soaking in the sights and sounds as if they were new. I'd been here before, but this time it feels different.

11 years ago, I came to NYC to audition for the dance program at NYU. I didn't make the cut and spent the next 2years depressed and aimless. I had thought that that was my break, the gateway to the rest of my life. So I couldn't understand what my life was about when school and life in New York city didn't start. 

While walking through NoLita and SOHO, I came across the building I auditioned at. I remember the NYU flag as a little larger, grander; a symbol of higher status and self-approval. Now, it isn't. It's a flag on the side of a building, a mark for memory. And I reflected on my past experience here with a calmness. An understanding that good things... BETTER things had come to me by His hand. I had had time to repent and be renewed alone with God and away from these things. Now I only wait to be restored. How grand it would be for me to return to NYC to study DMT!

I had so much fun here and I am sooooo happy! From day to day, I made decisions purely on what I want to do. It may have sounded unnecessary, but I have seldom times felt so in my skin, so embodied and to be okay with enjoying myself this way. So much so that walking into a quiet little corner in Sephora, I suddenly felt overwhelmed and Felt like I might burst into tears! I guess, it is the gratitude for being able to do this, for all the sights, sounds, sensations, friendly strangers, and His joyful Presence that had been so constant throughout this trip. I had never felt bored, nor had fear and anxiety take over while I travelled alone.

Strangely, I have had no desire to dance here. I didn't even think to look for the studio, maybe to pop my head in for while? Nothin'. While here though, I did get news that I will be dancing at Bethel!!! I was so crazy excited I was insomniac for most of that night!

Towards the end of my stay in NYC I did begin to get a little over-stimulated. There was just a bit too much crowd, too much traffic noise, and too much foreign-ness. And I know this is because I had been staying at host houses since day one. I think it was a bit too much for me to handle because of the new environments, the politeness at using the bathroom, sharing fridge space and tip-toeing across creaky hallways at night. And also every household had a certain vibe that I took in, so I didn't have enough personal space to unload and wind down at the end of each day.

Next stop Redding!!

Apple Bites

Went for service at Hillsong NY!

View of the Hudson river from my African inspired bedroom.

NYU along Memory Lane.

A day at the American Museum for Natural History.

TriBeCa.

I got spat out by Central Park. Couldn't get to the other side!

I'm not sure if the is the actual bar but oh well...

Day Five

"I feel like I'm with my own people."

Those were the last words I said to the DMT group at the end of the summer intensive. I meant it, even though we were a mixed demographic. We all have a love of movement and a basic desire to understand humans. And this was played out all through the program.

I had felt difficulty integrating myself into the group as usual. And if not for a new found friend who reached out to me and made sure I joined in and was comfortable doing so. We had similar personalities and when we danced, we were drawn together. I felt another voice bubble to the surface when I free formed with her. I've never experienced that before! By the end of the course, this voice had got louder and I went around "talking" to all the other girls at our closing freeform session! It still brings up strong emotions now when I think back on it. I am overwhelmed that I can do this.

I don't yet know the connection between movement and neurology, and to be honest I sometimes feel that DMT is too much of an art than a science. I could not wholly appreciate the effects of the exercise we did (might be because as a dancer it's all very normal stuff), but the results shown in the case studies made DMT an undeniably powerful form of therapy.

We watched a video of an 87 year old patient with Alzheimer's who had regressed into a non-verbal, inward state. She would sit in her chair and remain unresponsive. The therapist would speak gently to her, touched the area around her eyes as if wiping away tears, and would speak out the patient's emotions. Then she started to sing old hymns to the patient. She sang Jesus Loves Me. Then the patient looked up and into her eyes. And she started tapping the arm of the wheelchair with her palm. When she started to tap harder and faster, the therapist sang louder and faster too, duplicating explicitly what it was that the patient was feeling inside. The patient felt so strongly about it, that she started slapping the chair. She then transferred that slapping to the therapist's arm. And at this point, she had found the human connection. I will never forget that look in the patient's eyes. It was burning with life! THEN, the therapist switched songs. She sang " He's got the whole world..." and the patient responds by mouthing "in His hands." And they went back and forth for the song's chorus! Alzheimer's had taken away her speech function. But here she is speaking! The therapist asks "Do you feel safe with Jesus?" the patient mouths "yes" with full eye contact.

I was completely blown away. Could not stop tearing when I watched that. And I know now more strongly than before that non-verbal communication is my thing. It sits in my belly like a heavy weight that needs to come out. I feel very much for people who are trapped in a speechless world. Perhaps it is a personal analogy.

This is a relatively young community, and the nascence of the subject has resulted in schools closing down programs because it is not yet a popular subject. The people who facilitate the courses are only 2nd generation from the pioneers. As one of my classmates put it, I feel like I am (already) meeting celebrities in the field. And some times along the way, I find myself devaluing the subject, telling myself that this doesn't have sufficient history behind it, and it might just well be a nerd trend that only a handful of weirdos were interested in. But you know what? Imma just go with the flow if the world don't mind.

So I'm leaving Keene today. I will miss this little town where it's perfectly alright to smile at strangers, its vintage architecture, organic superfoods, and crazy weather. I'm getting on the greyhound where I'll have 6 hours to tune back to city dwelling. There was absolutely no time to lose since my bus driver stood by and watched me load my own luggage into the bus, and then he KICKED IT IN because it wasn't far in enough. Hello New York.

Scenes of Keene

The house I stayed in.

There were lotsa churches for a small city like Keene! Including Universalists and Christian Science. This one is Episcopal I think...

Quiet residential.

This picture is only for show. Shortly after taking this picture, it started to rain, so I had to go indoors to enjoy my taco salad lunch. Shortly after that, the sun came out! Typical New England weather, I was told.

Beautiful buildings everywhere.

Entrance

Can you believe it? I can't. I just did my entrance interview to the DMT program at Antioch!

It was suppose to be a one on one general discussion about DMT and I'd scheduled an appointment with the director because I felt that my situation was unique and I needed help. But it turns out, my situation is NOT unique. Mostly, it is because the subject is so new, and there are many dancers out there who have the same story as me. That we wanted to do something more with our dance, but couldn't find a suitable career path, until DMT got recognized as a legitimate science.

So I gathered that I'm not as under qualified as I originally thought! I was encouraged to apply anyway even though I didn't have a psychology background. It seemed that the most important thing was for the therapist to have a wide vocabulary of movement, which I already have. So the director asked if I would be applying, I told her I am almost totally sure that I will be. And right then she asked me "So what would you want me to know since you're applying?"

I was gobsmacked, tongue tied. Awkward silence, that kind.

She prompted me to tell her about my dance background which I totally forgot she had no clue. So I filled her in and told her why I think I would want to be a dance therapist. It was far from a shining personal statement of conviction, and I certainly don't speak as well as the other girls in the group. She didn't seem to have any objections other then "Oy vey, she doesnt think very fast does she?"

But okay, I was being extremely candid about my desires and my weaknesses. I admitted to having a lot of social issues and not being very strong academically. I guess I was hoping to push out a possible rejection from her? But no. She only asked me to "get some work done." She means I need therapy.

What an awesome community... That even if the world doesn't want therapists, therapists will always needed therapists for themselves! Good for business no?

Blue & Gold

This is my visual expression of how I felt at the end of Day One. Yes, I'm not much of an artist.

Day One

I had soooo much fun yesterday. I feel like I am with people that I am comfortable with in terms of consciousness, language and culture. We knew what we were talking about because we were dancers who could articulate what we feel when we use our bodies. And being therapists / psychologists, all attitudes are neutralized because a non-judgemental environment is required for therapy.

Well I knew I was still limited in my articulation because the other girls were mostly taking both dance and psychology as majors or minors. So they were able to pick out things that made fruitful contribution to the discussions. I kept quiet, mostly.

We watched a video made in the 60s but that was still extremely relevant for today. It was footage of a therapist with her young patients, a two year old and five year old. Both girls were diagnosed psychotic! How sad is that? They had no form of verbal communication and no concept of relationship. But as the therapist worked with the girls individually, you could see how a seemingly unruly and unresponsive child stuck in her own world begin to realize the concept of relationship. And this is hard to explain because regular people take this for granted. But it was a defining moment when it dawned upon the child that there is a human here. And "I" am also human. And "I" can do something and "you" would respond. It was so impactful to see the child reach out to the therapist for hugs when previously she would not allow the therapist near her. And as the therapist picks her up into a full bear hug, you could see the pleasure on her face as they relax into her arms. I can only imagine the new sensations the girls must be feeling... And this is what I think impacts me most. To be able to reach a trapped human being without the use of words. Because movement is innate to every human being, dancer or not. So it can be very gentle, very simple, and very deep.

I was completely spent by the time I got home from day 1. It wasn't the movement work that tired me, but the constant interaction with 13 new people and having to verbalize what I felt after every movement activity. The good thing was that I finally got to sleep through the night. I'm not sure how I'll feel about all these socializing by Friday though. We'll see.

Sunday

This is a beautiful town. I think that's why Jumanji was shot here. The weather is lovely today, the only day I'd scheduled to get to know Keene as a tourist. Cool breezes, blue skies and a brilliant sun, even when the weather forecast said clouds and rainy weather. There are benches everywhere, picturesque brick buildings and green lawns. Just sit, stare, and smile. Everyone understands. :)

Its been 4 days since I left the little red dot and I've finally got a little downtime today after all the traveling. Everything has gone by smoothly so far. I'd spent so much time researching that I feel a little overwhelmed to be here because, suddenly everything is real!

Over the past weeks as I'd prepared to come here, I had struggled with needing to interact with people (since I'm traveling alone). I'd struggled with my purpose for coming here. I would find myself mulling over what I could do or how I could cope if I couldn't fit in with the others in the program, or couldn't connect with people at Bethel. I'd entertained the thought that this is all a big money waster and nothing would come out of it when I returned.

I'd woken up at 5:30 this morning, in part because of the jet lag, and found myself struggling and in bed for 3 hours because I didn't know how to get out of bed, go out the door and meet my host. The beautiful weather and the fear of clouds coming were my motivators. I got up, showered, dressed, said morning greetings to my host and took off. Even walking down the beauty ridden streets, I would hesitate to appreciate it all. Thank God for benches!

You know what's worse than dying? Not dying. Okay, I am speaking figuratively. But I feel caught between something that's extremely uncomfortable, and being TOO reliant on familiar mediocrity. Where do I go from here?

I know the answer, but I don't always remember how to put one foot in front of the other to get there.

But taking stock of everything so far, I suddenly well up with excitement. I am excited about God's hand in my life. I am excited because He is so involved and He knows my comings and goings. He knows I am trying and He's willing to work with this little novice.

Psalm 139 describes my feelings perfectly. God knows why I give up, why I get tired. But even when I call darkness upon myself, it doesn't change how He feels about me.

O Lord, You have searched me and known me.
You know my sitting down and my rising up; You understand my thought afar off.
You comprehend my path and my lying down, And are acquainted with all my ways.
For there is not a word on my tongue, But behold, O Lord, You know it altogether.
You have hedged me behind and before, And laid Your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; It is high, I cannot attain it.
Where can I go from Your Spirit? Or where can I flee from Your presence?
If I ascend into heaven, You are there; If I make my bed in hell, behold, You are there.
If I take the wings of the morning, And dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
Even there Your hand shall lead me, And Your right hand shall hold me.
If I say, Surely the darkness shall fall on me, Even the night shall be light about me;
Indeed, the darkness shall not hide from You, But the night shines as the day; The darkness and the light are both alike to You.

Flight

After a night of Krav Maga, I was lying in bed with my mind darting about like ninja arrows. I'll blog later on this. But suffice to say, I didn't sleep very much. I thought, all the same, I'll have an early start on the last minute things, nap in the afternoon to begin shifting time zones, have a little down time with God before leisurely strolling into a restaurant to celebrate my parents' 37th wedding anniversary. I would then commute to the airport with Pat to spend a bit of time together. 

Well... Nope. 

I wasn't done packing till 7-ish. I didn't get to nap so I was grumpy. Got to chill with God for all of 3 minutes before we went off for dinner. Because I had a plane to catch, dad was driving like a maniac. I got car sick and could only down soup and bread at the restaurant. Got home where Pat was waiting for me, showered, closed the bags, prayed with him and then we were off to the airport. We were both too tired so I asked him to leave early since he had a long drive back. 

Not what I envisioned this awesome day of new  beginnings, dreams, adventures, and all things dramatic to be. But all through the day, in between getting things done and trusting God for reminders (holy to-do list!) , I'd felt surges of emotions, though there really wasn't anything going on in my mind. 

I felt peace and strength. Joy. Felt like God was more eager to meet me than me. And that made me kind of weak at the knees.

I felt a sense of goodbyes, which was strange since this was only a twenty day trip. And if I had time to dwell on this, I would tear! The chubby schnauzer seemed to sense this and kept sticking her side to me. 

So I'm actually writing this while I transit in Dubai. I slept through most of the plane ride so it went by pretty quick. Its really busy here at DXB. But my hermit instincts has homed in on a nice sitting area where the morning light is gentle and I can look out onto the tarmac.

happy feet

Finally found my walking shoes. These will have to keep my feet happy.

the build up

About 5 weeks ago, I spoke candidly to a fitness trainer friend of mine about issues I was having with my body. I had worried over whether my back was gonna be able to take the long-haul flight and all the walking I'm going to be doing this summer, and toyed with the idea of working out just to strengthen me up a little. But I would always kind of put it down whenever the thought wafted in, mainly because I had been disappointed over most of last year having gone to the chiropractor and seeing no further improvement. I didn't think recovery would be fast.

Due to compounded injuries over the years of dancing, my spine had lost all of the natural curves needed to keep the spine strong. This doesn't sound like much of a problem until I try to do simple things like lie down, lift a weight anything above shoulder height, carry a chubby schnauzer, lift my head off the pillow, walk too much, sling a bag over my shoulder... and not to mention dance. Every pain is exaggerated and has an after effect in which the pain spreads and affects another area if I don't go fix the original problem.

I felt like a walking twig ready to snap the next time I sneezed!

So the goal is to put the curves back in my spine, and everything else will have a chance of righting itself. And there are a few ways of doing this. One of which is chiropractic manipulations, which I now know doesn't work. Another way is to strengthen the muscles such that it holds the spine in the correct shape. I asked my friend if it was reasonable to expect anything out of six weeks of training, and he said he would be glad to help.

So I've been hitting the gym for functional training every Saturday for 5 weeks now. I also train with Pat outside of the Saturday sessions, attacking all the little used but essential muscles. I did not know that there were so many muscles in and around the shoulders!! I also do Pilates once a week with a friend who happened to be earning her hours, so I get to do it for free. and I see an osteopath for extra help.

Here's what's gone down since. :)

Do you see it?? I have a curve in my lower back!! 

Okay I know it doesn't look like a lot, but it says a lot. Pity I didn't have a before picture, but my back pretty much ran ramrod straight down into my butt. Here, you can see my upper back curving away from the lower back. And this is from only 5 weeks of work! 

So ever the ambitious me, I decided that I wanted to be fit enough to dance too since I've finally got A CURVE. I am after all going to be passing through the dance capital of the world. I wanted to be ready, just in case I also got to dance at Bethel. So last weekend, I went swimming on a Friday night. I didn't want to strain my muscles before hitting the gym on Saturday morning but it would be good to get the heart rate going.

I did the crawl through the olympic size pool, going lengthwise. I was halfway through my first lap when I felt like I couldn't finish that one miserable lap. The lactic acid was building up so much and I couldn't seem to stop my heart rate from going crazy. I couldn't regulate my breathing and I was beginning to physically stress out. I had to float in the middle of the pool for a bit before completing the rest of the lap. Finally, my fingers touch the wall on the other side, my lungs deflated. I considered this shameful defeat because I really thought that I could do this. I didn't get into the pool to do one lousy lap! So I made myself do another. 

And it was just as bad.

I lingered at the shallow end talking to myself. "I've got to keep going. 2 laps is pathetic! I've got to work on this. I've got to build myself up."

Then I caught myself. I shall NOT WORK on this. I shall rest on this. And I went for another lap. And it went swimmingly, pun greatly intended. :) I do believe that God's principles of rest are divine and have supernatural power. But I also believe that God created the human body to perform and cope in remarkable ways. As soon as my brain understood that I am not building anything on my own accord, my body relaxed and gave in to that innate ability. The lactic acid did threaten to build up. But as I pulled onward, it passed. I knew my body circulation has finally broken through. 

I went for another 4 laps, and that totaled six. My arms and shoulders hadn't gotten quite strong enough to do more, but I achieved my goal of breaking through, increasing heart rate and getting the circulation going.

I was butt-kicked at Saturday morning's functional training session. Loved it! I had a good lunch, bought a pair of too-pink soft split-soled ballet shoes for under 10 dollars, and made my way to Singapore Dance Theatre's adults' open class. I had signed up for an 8 lesson package thinking to do as much classes as I could before flying out.

Piano music floating down the stairwell. Haunting familiarity.

I couldn't finish the class because by the time we got to jumps, my legs had started to hurt. I couldn't jump off my right leg and couldn't land on my left ankle. I definitely still had some work to do. But the class felt good. I feel like I am gaining back strength and control and I am much encouraged. 

But I recall something I had come to terms to some years ago, about why I was never delivered into a life of ballet. It's cos it actually bores me. Daddy God must've known. I had started to regret buying the 8 class package because I was already bored halfway through barre work! And I started to crave real dancing. The kind that doesn't care if you had a perfect arabesque or not. The kind that speaks volumes. 

Well, my body isn't ready for that kind of movement, so I know the journey's ahead and ballet will help me along it.

4 days later and I was regretting that 8 class package even more! My body was in so much pain from the swimming, the gymming and the dancing I had to forgo Tuesday night ballet class I had originally intended to squeeze in. But it was a good pain. I knew I was working my body right this time and I'm only getting stronger.

So I have only 1 more dance class before I fly out.

the aftermath

So I've been taking a while to snap out of this. But my dad hasn't been talking to me at dinners. We talk when we have to, like at work. But this saddens me because we had just been learning how to chat prior to this. It was nice to see my dad opening up and talking about all things with such positivity. I don't think I could have had a greater blessing than for God to restore our hearts and reconcile us.

But so this is the situation. I don't know what he's thinking. Or if I do, he doesn't seem to want me to get involved. And it has been hard going to work every day because I feel there's a deliberate shut out. Not necessarily against me, but against his own emotions. As if he's willing himself to keep going on now that he knows I'm no longer on board. I absolutely did not wish to see my white-haired father mustering up his energy again to journey on on his own.

There's this fatigue blanketing us. The more work decisions he makes now, the more I can't understand where he's going with it. I don't know how to proceed. Purposefulness - my fuel for the past months to work in a job I knew I was leaving behind, doesn't seem fuel enough now.

What can I do, but to continue to trust Him and wait on Him. My dad has a story that God wrote especially for him too. And it's a good story.

tumbled

I feel like I’m in a damp daze... Not quite what I expected and not knowing how to proceed.

I expected that it would’ve gone one of two ways. Either I was to be liberated - my announcement to the family officiating my new direction, punctuated with approval, applause, smiles and nods of the head. And I would be all goggles on, rev up the engine and I’m all set and ready to go on my great adventure.

Or major guilt like a tonne of bricks weighing down on my existence as daughter. And I’ll have to run away as fast as I can so that I wouldn't look back and get drawn back into a life of mind splitting obligation.

It started off well enough. I started talking and didn't stop talking for awhile. And I saw that my dad was growing to like where I was going with it. He was even willing to support my schooling! Mom too. She was only concern with "the amount of time I'd be spending being around mentally unsound people." -_-

Then the barrage of questions - I knew this would come. It's why I took so long to tell my family that I was leaving the family business. I wanted to be so sure of myself that I wouldn't mind if my family didn't understand. Their opinion had always meant so much to me. But this time I knew that if I didn't hear my own voice and believed on it, I would never get anywhere with myself.

I tried my best to answer their questions, but I knew they didn't yet understand what dance movement therapy was all about. Their doubts concluded the dinner conversation. I was ready for that... or so I thought. I was advised to make my decision only after the twenty days.

But didn't they understand that I already had? Wouldn't they trust it?

For some reason, I felt like someone had closed the lid over my well, and this little frog is not ever gonna get out.

... I had the worse night of self-loathing. I started to recall every hatred I had against my dance, against my poor academia, against my garbled representation of who I am and what I want in life... that I'd never ever be good enough for dreams.

Thank God for stars. They bore down on me that night just to remind me I was still loved by my Father God.

It's been a few days since the conversation. Mostly I've been trying to collect myself because a lot of self-doubt had started clawing its way in. Did I hear God right? Am I on my own agenda? I hadn't fallen prey to such thoughts in a while.

Dad and I hadn't talked since the conversation either. He seems to be really busy. He doesn't seem to expect anything from me now. I had wanted to talk about the plans for the company with whatever remaining time I had left. But we hadn't. And it troubles me, because I don't know what's going on in his head.

He's just got to know that I wasn't abandoning him. That's all I want him to know. 

saved by credit limit

And the number one reason why I got bumped is just so I can get lodging at another location for half the price!

I think Daddy God knew that money was my biggest concern. Even bigger than safety. Because I was just about ready to put my money (same price as lost accommodation) on a motel 3 minutes away from the school that had a less than stellar reputation. Read: CSI crime scene with shady extras on the side.

When I first found said "CSI crime scene" quite by chance, I was ecstatic! It was cheaper by $3 and at a way closer location. I thought this was the blessing that God was sending my way after being dumped so suddenly. This was before I'd read the travelers' reviews on cracked front window and dried blood stains. Once I did, I had to pull on the brakes and hang on to the promises that Daddy God was still looking out for me.

"Don't be fooled now, child." :)

So I'll be staying with a lady and her teenaged daughter in her lovely house with another university student and some companion animals! It's a straight 20 minute walk through town so it's not too quiet. There's even a park with a lake one block away in the opposite direction. What's more, I was originally going to have to order a taxi to take me from the bus station to my temporary residence since there was hardly any public transportation in that town. But the lady had offered to pick me up from the bus station when I arrived.

I am so blessed.

fire bellied

I've spoken to graduate admissions, the registrar at the local universities, department secretary, and now I've got the department Director's direct email. God is good.

I haven't got much that meet their requirement. Only a scant smörgåsbord of dance experience and an almost-irrelevant business degree. I have to say that bouncing emails about and repeating my story is, on the whole, a good thing (because I'm not going in circles). But I've noticed that I would take a self-pitying detour each time I was transferred to someone new. I feel feeble having to speak up for myself again and again, often registering resignation that my efforts are not worth it. That I'm never going to go on my big adventure.

I've never realized what a stronghold poor esteem has been till now, and how absolutely inane it actually is.

Consciousness has been such a blessing in this instance. So I made myself read the application details the secretary sent me. Those requirements are still there. The ones I do not have. But as I read it, fire grew. I don't know where the fuel is coming from, but its there.

If I am not good enough, then let my faith be pleasing to the One who multiplied the five loaves and two fishes for the multitudes.

bumped

I just lost my accommodation booking for the very first part of my trip.

Apparently payment wouldn't go through because my credit card bill payment hadn't transacted so I'd hit my credit limit when I put all of my trip expenses on the same account. So I made a payment-in-lieu to the bank to up my credit limit temporarily and hoped that the rest of my bookings wouldn't fail. Thinking that there wouldn't be any issue since the host had already interviewed me and had given me her approval once before, I wrote back asking her to please re-approve my request to book her premises for my stay.

24 hours passed and no approval. I sent her a message immediately upon request time out. She replied immediately telling me that her apartment may no longer be available for my requested duration. Then early this morning, I received her confirmation message, telling me that it's not going to work out.

When I first got an inkling that I was going to get "dumped", I had to sit myself down and not freak out. I was really happy to have found this place because firstly there weren't very many options in that area. Secondly, its location and price made it all the more precious. I wouldn't need a car and it would really help on the expenses. (The next available option was to check in at Holiday Inn, which is close by but about 40% more expensive.) My trip with the cheaper accommodation was already hitting the roof of my budget.

No explanations? No sympathetic apology? Just sayin'...

The other thing pending is for my flight to Redding. Prices have been climbing every few days and I had managed to secure tickets that were cheapest (at that point) and with the best itinerary. I received an email acknowledgement but I was to wait for a confirmation receipt. It has been about 5 days since, and I have not received it.

As of now, I haven't found options yet. A wittle-itty-bitty thing like this had cast a shadow on my purposefulness. The thought that this trip is much too dramatic for my little life and way too expensive, and that I have zero capacity to commit to this life-turning journey when I return from my twenty days goaded me.

I admit that my emotions are disproportionate to this bump in the road. I guess partly it's because I had spend weekend after weekend searching and planning for the best itinerary, feeling the burn from the expenses and what I've had to shelve to pay for this trip. But I didn't really feel better until I said out loud "but no lah, this is not gonna stop me lor!" Insert 'wah lau eh' expression.

Joy, o joy. What has Daddy God planned for me? :)

validation

Just as I was thinking of looking up TED to see if there was anything to plump up my confidence, Embodied Movement's Elizabeth Rutten-Ng posted this up on Facebook this evening. Thanks Daddy God. :)

Even Parkinson's. Wow.

imbalanced

We were out for lunch together today. And happiness seemed to be leaking out from them and onto the table and all over the food. It was seeping into my bones and making me human again.

More aptly, I was remembering daughterhood.

Funny, the things we do to cope. I think somewhere along the way, I'd stop thinking of my parents as parents. But as human beings, employer, just strangers. Just so I can get around hurtful mistakes.

Adult to adult, right?

So now I'm almost-daughter again. How am I going to tell them about June?