Sunday

This is a beautiful town. I think that's why Jumanji was shot here. The weather is lovely today, the only day I'd scheduled to get to know Keene as a tourist. Cool breezes, blue skies and a brilliant sun, even when the weather forecast said clouds and rainy weather. There are benches everywhere, picturesque brick buildings and green lawns. Just sit, stare, and smile. Everyone understands. :)

Its been 4 days since I left the little red dot and I've finally got a little downtime today after all the traveling. Everything has gone by smoothly so far. I'd spent so much time researching that I feel a little overwhelmed to be here because, suddenly everything is real!

Over the past weeks as I'd prepared to come here, I had struggled with needing to interact with people (since I'm traveling alone). I'd struggled with my purpose for coming here. I would find myself mulling over what I could do or how I could cope if I couldn't fit in with the others in the program, or couldn't connect with people at Bethel. I'd entertained the thought that this is all a big money waster and nothing would come out of it when I returned.

I'd woken up at 5:30 this morning, in part because of the jet lag, and found myself struggling and in bed for 3 hours because I didn't know how to get out of bed, go out the door and meet my host. The beautiful weather and the fear of clouds coming were my motivators. I got up, showered, dressed, said morning greetings to my host and took off. Even walking down the beauty ridden streets, I would hesitate to appreciate it all. Thank God for benches!

You know what's worse than dying? Not dying. Okay, I am speaking figuratively. But I feel caught between something that's extremely uncomfortable, and being TOO reliant on familiar mediocrity. Where do I go from here?

I know the answer, but I don't always remember how to put one foot in front of the other to get there.

But taking stock of everything so far, I suddenly well up with excitement. I am excited about God's hand in my life. I am excited because He is so involved and He knows my comings and goings. He knows I am trying and He's willing to work with this little novice.

Psalm 139 describes my feelings perfectly. God knows why I give up, why I get tired. But even when I call darkness upon myself, it doesn't change how He feels about me.

O Lord, You have searched me and known me.
You know my sitting down and my rising up; You understand my thought afar off.
You comprehend my path and my lying down, And are acquainted with all my ways.
For there is not a word on my tongue, But behold, O Lord, You know it altogether.
You have hedged me behind and before, And laid Your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; It is high, I cannot attain it.
Where can I go from Your Spirit? Or where can I flee from Your presence?
If I ascend into heaven, You are there; If I make my bed in hell, behold, You are there.
If I take the wings of the morning, And dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
Even there Your hand shall lead me, And Your right hand shall hold me.
If I say, Surely the darkness shall fall on me, Even the night shall be light about me;
Indeed, the darkness shall not hide from You, But the night shines as the day; The darkness and the light are both alike to You.