Entrance

Can you believe it? I can't. I just did my entrance interview to the DMT program at Antioch!

It was suppose to be a one on one general discussion about DMT and I'd scheduled an appointment with the director because I felt that my situation was unique and I needed help. But it turns out, my situation is NOT unique. Mostly, it is because the subject is so new, and there are many dancers out there who have the same story as me. That we wanted to do something more with our dance, but couldn't find a suitable career path, until DMT got recognized as a legitimate science.

So I gathered that I'm not as under qualified as I originally thought! I was encouraged to apply anyway even though I didn't have a psychology background. It seemed that the most important thing was for the therapist to have a wide vocabulary of movement, which I already have. So the director asked if I would be applying, I told her I am almost totally sure that I will be. And right then she asked me "So what would you want me to know since you're applying?"

I was gobsmacked, tongue tied. Awkward silence, that kind.

She prompted me to tell her about my dance background which I totally forgot she had no clue. So I filled her in and told her why I think I would want to be a dance therapist. It was far from a shining personal statement of conviction, and I certainly don't speak as well as the other girls in the group. She didn't seem to have any objections other then "Oy vey, she doesnt think very fast does she?"

But okay, I was being extremely candid about my desires and my weaknesses. I admitted to having a lot of social issues and not being very strong academically. I guess I was hoping to push out a possible rejection from her? But no. She only asked me to "get some work done." She means I need therapy.

What an awesome community... That even if the world doesn't want therapists, therapists will always needed therapists for themselves! Good for business no?

Blue & Gold

This is my visual expression of how I felt at the end of Day One. Yes, I'm not much of an artist.

Day One

I had soooo much fun yesterday. I feel like I am with people that I am comfortable with in terms of consciousness, language and culture. We knew what we were talking about because we were dancers who could articulate what we feel when we use our bodies. And being therapists / psychologists, all attitudes are neutralized because a non-judgemental environment is required for therapy.

Well I knew I was still limited in my articulation because the other girls were mostly taking both dance and psychology as majors or minors. So they were able to pick out things that made fruitful contribution to the discussions. I kept quiet, mostly.

We watched a video made in the 60s but that was still extremely relevant for today. It was footage of a therapist with her young patients, a two year old and five year old. Both girls were diagnosed psychotic! How sad is that? They had no form of verbal communication and no concept of relationship. But as the therapist worked with the girls individually, you could see how a seemingly unruly and unresponsive child stuck in her own world begin to realize the concept of relationship. And this is hard to explain because regular people take this for granted. But it was a defining moment when it dawned upon the child that there is a human here. And "I" am also human. And "I" can do something and "you" would respond. It was so impactful to see the child reach out to the therapist for hugs when previously she would not allow the therapist near her. And as the therapist picks her up into a full bear hug, you could see the pleasure on her face as they relax into her arms. I can only imagine the new sensations the girls must be feeling... And this is what I think impacts me most. To be able to reach a trapped human being without the use of words. Because movement is innate to every human being, dancer or not. So it can be very gentle, very simple, and very deep.

I was completely spent by the time I got home from day 1. It wasn't the movement work that tired me, but the constant interaction with 13 new people and having to verbalize what I felt after every movement activity. The good thing was that I finally got to sleep through the night. I'm not sure how I'll feel about all these socializing by Friday though. We'll see.

Sunday

This is a beautiful town. I think that's why Jumanji was shot here. The weather is lovely today, the only day I'd scheduled to get to know Keene as a tourist. Cool breezes, blue skies and a brilliant sun, even when the weather forecast said clouds and rainy weather. There are benches everywhere, picturesque brick buildings and green lawns. Just sit, stare, and smile. Everyone understands. :)

Its been 4 days since I left the little red dot and I've finally got a little downtime today after all the traveling. Everything has gone by smoothly so far. I'd spent so much time researching that I feel a little overwhelmed to be here because, suddenly everything is real!

Over the past weeks as I'd prepared to come here, I had struggled with needing to interact with people (since I'm traveling alone). I'd struggled with my purpose for coming here. I would find myself mulling over what I could do or how I could cope if I couldn't fit in with the others in the program, or couldn't connect with people at Bethel. I'd entertained the thought that this is all a big money waster and nothing would come out of it when I returned.

I'd woken up at 5:30 this morning, in part because of the jet lag, and found myself struggling and in bed for 3 hours because I didn't know how to get out of bed, go out the door and meet my host. The beautiful weather and the fear of clouds coming were my motivators. I got up, showered, dressed, said morning greetings to my host and took off. Even walking down the beauty ridden streets, I would hesitate to appreciate it all. Thank God for benches!

You know what's worse than dying? Not dying. Okay, I am speaking figuratively. But I feel caught between something that's extremely uncomfortable, and being TOO reliant on familiar mediocrity. Where do I go from here?

I know the answer, but I don't always remember how to put one foot in front of the other to get there.

But taking stock of everything so far, I suddenly well up with excitement. I am excited about God's hand in my life. I am excited because He is so involved and He knows my comings and goings. He knows I am trying and He's willing to work with this little novice.

Psalm 139 describes my feelings perfectly. God knows why I give up, why I get tired. But even when I call darkness upon myself, it doesn't change how He feels about me.

O Lord, You have searched me and known me.
You know my sitting down and my rising up; You understand my thought afar off.
You comprehend my path and my lying down, And are acquainted with all my ways.
For there is not a word on my tongue, But behold, O Lord, You know it altogether.
You have hedged me behind and before, And laid Your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; It is high, I cannot attain it.
Where can I go from Your Spirit? Or where can I flee from Your presence?
If I ascend into heaven, You are there; If I make my bed in hell, behold, You are there.
If I take the wings of the morning, And dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
Even there Your hand shall lead me, And Your right hand shall hold me.
If I say, Surely the darkness shall fall on me, Even the night shall be light about me;
Indeed, the darkness shall not hide from You, But the night shines as the day; The darkness and the light are both alike to You.

Flight

After a night of Krav Maga, I was lying in bed with my mind darting about like ninja arrows. I'll blog later on this. But suffice to say, I didn't sleep very much. I thought, all the same, I'll have an early start on the last minute things, nap in the afternoon to begin shifting time zones, have a little down time with God before leisurely strolling into a restaurant to celebrate my parents' 37th wedding anniversary. I would then commute to the airport with Pat to spend a bit of time together. 

Well... Nope. 

I wasn't done packing till 7-ish. I didn't get to nap so I was grumpy. Got to chill with God for all of 3 minutes before we went off for dinner. Because I had a plane to catch, dad was driving like a maniac. I got car sick and could only down soup and bread at the restaurant. Got home where Pat was waiting for me, showered, closed the bags, prayed with him and then we were off to the airport. We were both too tired so I asked him to leave early since he had a long drive back. 

Not what I envisioned this awesome day of new  beginnings, dreams, adventures, and all things dramatic to be. But all through the day, in between getting things done and trusting God for reminders (holy to-do list!) , I'd felt surges of emotions, though there really wasn't anything going on in my mind. 

I felt peace and strength. Joy. Felt like God was more eager to meet me than me. And that made me kind of weak at the knees.

I felt a sense of goodbyes, which was strange since this was only a twenty day trip. And if I had time to dwell on this, I would tear! The chubby schnauzer seemed to sense this and kept sticking her side to me. 

So I'm actually writing this while I transit in Dubai. I slept through most of the plane ride so it went by pretty quick. Its really busy here at DXB. But my hermit instincts has homed in on a nice sitting area where the morning light is gentle and I can look out onto the tarmac.